Thursday, 4 December 2008

NOT the Queen's Speech

My Lords and Members of Parliament. I am your Queen and I have come to this place to read you a list of tedious forthcoming legislation. Do please appear to look excited.

My Government has pretty much run out of policies, but has scraped the barrel to cobble together a few half-hearted ideas to see them through the next Parliamentary session. My Government's programme is a last ditch attempt to persuade the electorate to vote for them next time, and not necessarily a list of what is good for the country.

My Government will continue to plod on towards the introduction of ID cards, even though they're expensive and don't work and a serious infringement of civil liberties and everybody hates them. My Government will continue to solve the world's economic problems single-handedly with a brave but prudent global financial rescue policy, so it says here.

My Government will waffle on a lot about fairness. My Government will ban pubs and bars from running extra specially cheap drinks promotions, although it'll still be possible to binge drink on value lager from the corner shop. My Government had better not raise duty on sherry, else that's one's Christmas ruined.

My Government will introduce a new Minister for Outrage, someone whose job it is to spot petty annoying things that might get Middle England riled, you know like BBC personalities swearing at sick kittens. My Government will talk a lot about reducing carbon emissions, but won't actually do anything about it because of the cost.

My Government will drag the country even further into debt, on the basis that the Opposition will end up having to pay it off. My Government wants all children to have the best possible start in life, and other meaningless platitudes.

My Government will shout across the despatch box at Question Time rah rah rah like a bunch of public schooolboy oiks. My Government will introduce lots of new targets, including a target to increase the number of targets by 50%. My Government know not to increase taxes on horse racing, because one would be very upset.

My Government will continue to bugger about with the National Health Service. My Government are already busy networking with big business bosses to make sure they have executive roles to step into once they lose their seats at the next election. My Government will balls something up spectacularly, because that's what Governments do.

My Government will introduce legislation to allow the police to do whatever they like, but only under special circumstances (i.e. whenever they feel like it). My Government will continue to bandy around words like freedom and equality and security and globalisation because it makes them sound important. I'd better hurry up, this crown's getting bloody heavy.

My Government will send me round the world to meet various foreign heads of state, and I'll have to sit there listening to tedious speeches and attending banquets where they serve up roast creatures in sauce, oh God, why do I let them? Every Government's the same really, they all try hard but they always end up buggering everything.

Still, at the end of their day they're my Government, and I don't have to sign any of their poxy laws if I don't want to. The Duke of Edinburgh and I will be going home now. It's racing from Catterick this afternoon, and we don't want to miss it.

(Nod to

No comments:

Post a Comment