The Tory Party has once again shown how it is completely
committed to political correctness by reportedly insisting
that in the event a man gets the most votes in the ballot
of members for places on the MEP Candidate list in any
region then the second place must be given to a woman.
This has resulted in several male candidates being placed
third on their regional lists behind a female candidate who
finished several places below them in the ballot.
An alternative selection procedure has been suggested and
I have managed to get hold of a copy.
CONFIDENTIAL DO NOT COPY
MEP CANDIDATE SELECTION PROCEDURE
All potential candidates will be invited to attend a
selection event which will result in the first draft
List. The list will be split by region. The list is
subject to ratification by Call Me Dave and by a full
ballot of the members. All potential candidates will be
required to sign a legally release indemnifying the
party from any injury damages or loss however so
arising from attendance at the selection event.
To obtain a place on the list every candidate will be
issued with a 15cm (6 inch in real measurements!)
steel dagger, honed to a razor sharp point and with
a slashing edge. All Candidates will then be placed in
a large room and the lights turned off.
On the signal to commence all candidates will attempt
to stab all other candidates in the back. Candidates
attempting to plunge their knives into a rival’s chest or
straight between the eyes will be disqualified. The only
permitted alternative to a stab in the back will be a
single slash to the throat.
Candidates forming groups for mutual protection will
immediately be disqualified unless the group is
registered in advance with Call Me Dave and is approved
Some candidates may, at the discretion of Call Me Dave,
be issued with either two knives, a stab proof vests or
a set of low light vision goggles. Some candidates may
receive all three. The decision of Call Me Dave to
award additional equipment will be final. No discussion
will be entered into.
Candidates who are selected for early elimination by
Call Me Dave, or who question any aspect of the
selection process, will have their knife replaced by a
small cod or other suitable fish (as an illustration of
how Tory support for the Common Fisheries Policy has
been a disaster for the
). In exceptional circumstances UK
some candidates may also be fitted with illuminated
bulls-eye targets on their back with an LED message
“STAB ME” running around the target.
When the total number of candidates still capable of
stabbing a rival has been reduced to the number required
for the list then the first round selection procedure
will be deemed complete.
Unsuccessful candidates who have survived the process
will be given first aid and returned home after signing
a total confidentiality agreement. Candidates receiving
fatal wounds will be buried with full Party Honours and
nominated for an “Unsung Heroes” Award at the next Party
Conference. Prior to the lights going out all candidates
will have been required to sign a new "Last Will and
Testament" bequeathing their total estate to the Party
to be used as Call Me Dave thinks best.
Call Me Dave and his Old Etonian and Oxbridge Chums will
retire to a behind closed doors session to place the
survivors into a ranked list split by region. The criteria
for sorting the list will be confidential. At this point
additional "wildcard" candidates who have been allowed to
bypass the initial elimination process may be added at the
discretion of Call Me Dave. Any candidates that become
surplus at this point due to additional candidates being
inserted above them in the list will become "reserve
candidates" Call me Dave’s decision will be final.
The full ranked list will then be published and a Ballot
of members will be necessary to approve the list. The
members will be asked to approve the full list as it is
published, no discussion of individuals on the list or
rankings will be possible due to the unavoidable
complexity of the selection procedure.
Ballot papers will be returned to Party Headquarters.
Votes unreservedly approving the list will be placed into
a box for counting. Votes that do not approve the list
will be shredded immediately after opening.
The Complete list will be published on the Party Website as
soon as final approval by the membership ballot is verified.
Due to the fluid nature of British Politics the list will
need to be subject to continual review and upgrading as
circumstances change (for example a C List Celebrity or one
of Call Me Dave’s Mates requiring first or second place
on a winnable list). Call Me Dave’s decision is at all
times final. No discussion will be entered into.